Every once in a while, when the stars are shiny little dots splattered onto the sky, as if they’re one of Pollock’s works, I have this problem. That Problem is that I can’t fall asleep. I just can’t. And for some reason, my brain’s sprockets start to turn. Tick, tick, tick, it keeps on going and the thoughts roll onto the assembly line of my mind.
Since it’s Eating Disorder Awareness Week, I started thinking of that. I have had an eating disorder myself and I can tell you that recovering is hard. I feel like I’ve come a long way, but sometimes I still feel the need to stop eating or to binge/purge. I sometimes still look at my plate and tear up when I see how much I ate. And I sometimes still judge myself for not having a thigh gap. But I’ve learnt to crush those thoughts and throw the crumbles far away.
I have to admit that it’s hard. Especially when people unintentionally make comments that hurt me. But instead of hurting myself, I turn those sad feelings into something good. My anger makes me really productive, so maybe it’s not always a bad thing to get furious.
So yeah, here’s a little more about myself. I hope that if anyone who is reading this and who has an eating disorder or copes with self harm or feels bad in any way, will take this as a sign to open up to someone and tell them what’s going on.
I’m btw listening to Loving Someone by The 1975.
Why am I happy today? Because I’m alive! I am living, breathing, doing great things, feeling ashamed, happy, angry, (and it’s all okay, because I’m alive and I’m human and everyone feels those things at some point).